before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
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A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
starting a garage orchestra
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.