Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
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People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Maths meets science
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.