Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
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3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
consequences, the bane of my existence
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth