[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
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“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.