Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*