Before crowbars crows drank alone
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2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I really had high hopes for this year though
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement