[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid