Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.

My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*

Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.

My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.

Um, a what now?!

This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench