Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
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Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I think we should hear other voices.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.