Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
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Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
oh my gosh!!
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.