Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
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Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
What number SPF blocks people?
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Ha
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.