Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
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At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
A wise man once said nothing.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I’m giving up ice.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”