[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
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If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Nice try Hitler
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.