Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
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Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
yeet
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
🙄😏😂🤣
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.