Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
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*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Best spoiler warning ever
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
That’s what I call a flat tire
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.