Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
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[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
DOOO EEEET
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
me logging onto twitter
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.