Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
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In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Me My dog
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”