Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
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Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
same bro
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves