Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
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Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
groan^2
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
i wish all
whales
a very
big
BRO LMFAO
🌱🌱🌱
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.