Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
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my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I mean…but I did
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.