Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.
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If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”