Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
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“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.