@xLiserx *First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
@whatsJo Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
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@xLiserx 
@HomeProbably A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
@JackalAnon So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
@arcticgrrrrl Me recordaron éste meme
@JohnLyonTweets [nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
@bransonreese Beauty and the Beast
@KirstyWebeck Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
@Henry_3000 My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
@chuuew A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
@dogfather “I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*