@Julian_Deane

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

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@mrtruthandsoul

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

@jwoodham

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

@ArfMeasures

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

@HollyMemphis

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

@ShortSleeveSuit

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

@choniepony

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…