Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
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We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird