@Social_Mime

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

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@Erin1137

People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.

@jackiembouvier

Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.

@WilliamAder

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

@mom_ontherocks

So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.

@_NinJar

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

@PaperWash

Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.

@AndyAsAdjective

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

@SamGrittner

Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.