Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
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There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.