Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

You Might Also Like


People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.


Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.


There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.


So your kid can speak 3 languages?

That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.


A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.


Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.


guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking


WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.


Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.