People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
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Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.