Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
You Might Also Like
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Smells like a challenge to me
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich