Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
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Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.