Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
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Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.