Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
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Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention