Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
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I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Saint West, the patron of selfies
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.