Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
You Might Also Like
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.