[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
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here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
what are they serving at kfc then???
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
My plans: 2020:
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.