Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
You Might Also Like
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort