[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
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Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo