before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
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I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home