before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
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crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom