Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
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[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
never ask a starfish for directions
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
That’s not how days work.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.