Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
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Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Going to pronounce fecal like decal