Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
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Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!