@Jeffwni

Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.

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@GuyEndoreKaiser

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

@TheTweetOfGod

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

@5hael

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.

@_Mo_lee_

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

@elonmusk

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

@Nawvernburd

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

@REnlightenment

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

@SomeChrisTweets

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.