Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

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I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.


Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*


I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.


Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party


They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed


Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.


Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough


“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.


Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.


Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer