@MomofTeen

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

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@Just__J0

I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.

@noog

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

@lunchbox_82

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

@anerdonfire2

Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party

@MsTexas1967

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

@whereami18

Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.

@HushJared

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

@AaronFullerton

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

@jordan_stratton

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

@BuckyIsotope

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer