Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
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Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Found the job I’m suited for
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
what it’s like dating me:
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear