[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
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In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’