Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
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[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.