Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
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Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.