Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
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I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.