Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
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12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
What personal space?
My dog
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Meat Cute
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*