Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
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*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?