[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
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I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
tis the season
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.