[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
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Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Netflix and scream at our children?!
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
what’s the point then??
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much