[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
You Might Also Like
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
The French cow says MEUX…
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS