Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
You Might Also Like
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.