[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
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[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
You are not alone 💚
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!